Why your relationships don’t last

I’ve met many people who have the pattern of finding themselves in relationships that start off great but eventually fall apart – and they have no idea why!

So let’s talk about some of the most common reasons why this happens.

Of course there are things that we cannot control (life changes like moving abroad or a stressful family situation that affects your personal life). And there are relationship issues brought on by the other person that lead to a quick end to a romance.

But there are also things we do that could cause the relationship to end.

Why your relationships aren’t lasting:

You sabotage yourself. Sometimes the most obvious answer is the right one. Some of us can sabotage ourselves by choosing people we know will have no future in order to avoid long-term or serious relationships. It is our attempt to protect ourselves from a deep pain.

You have poor communication skills. Relationships need communication. One quick way that relationships can be tainted by misunderstandings, unmet needs, and a lack of alignment is to avoid talking about our thoughts, feelings, goals, needs, and boundaries. Communication also breaks down when we don’t really listen and understand what the other person has to say.

You are not authentic. If we don’t bring our authentic selves into the relationship, the relationship will fail. At some point, appearances will become exhausting for us, and the other will see who we really are. This may require a significant adjustment in the relationship (if they choose to do it anyway). By hiding aspects of who we really are, we prevent the other person from truly connecting with us.

You don’t want to exert yourself. We like to think that finding the right relationship will be easy, but the truth is that every relationship takes work. This unrealistic expectation could lead us to give up relationships that are worth the effort.

You fight with limits. Sometimes we think we don’t need boundaries when we love someone. The truth is, boundaries are the guide to making our relationship feel safe, intimate, and fulfilling. Not setting boundaries makes resentment, injury, or burnout more likely. Setting boundaries is not enough, we must also honor and respect those set by our partner.

You find it difficult to trust your partner. Every relationship needs a basis of trust. If you’re having trouble trusting your partner, check if it’s because of your past wounds or if they’ve done something to break your trust. We must understand that there must be trust in order to move forward.

You don’t accept your partner. Some of us enter relationships hoping that the other person will change, so we don’t bother to accept their flaws. Over time, our hope turns to disappointment.

You stopped being curious. We get to know our partner at the beginning and then assume the job is done! The truth is that we must continue to be curious and get to know the new versions of our partners. If we don’t, we may grow apart.

You picked the wrong people. Despite our best efforts, we may choose the wrong people when we find out who we are and what works for us and what doesn’t. A relationship can fall apart when you get to know someone and reevaluate your commitment or goals for the connection. Remember that ending relationships doesn’t have to be viewed as a “failure,” but is sometimes a sign of awareness and self-esteem.

What can you do when your relationships keep failing?

follow through. So many relationships fail because of a lack of execution. Thoughts, ideas and promises are great, but action must follow. We often promise the world and don’t deliver. It’s important to do what we say. To be consistent and reliable and to build security in our relationship.

More tips for your love life

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Continue reading:Ask these questions before your relationship becomes exclusive

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Sara Kuburic is a therapist specializing in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.