Olivia Wilde said ASAP Rocky is “hot”. When is it okay to say this?

Olivia Wilde, like many of us, reveled in A$AP Rocky’s admiration for pregnant friend Rihanna beating up her Super Bowl performance. But Wilde struck a chord with some people.

“If I thought he was hot before that really got me over the edge,” she wrote in a now-defunct Instagram Story of A$AP Rocky filming Rihanna; she tagged them both too. One social media user asked, “Why (is she posting) something like this about someone else’s husband???”

Wilde later reposted the video, saying, “For everyone who twisted it 🙄… it’s hot to respect your partner.”

There’s no golden rule when it comes to complimenting someone else’s significant other, therapists warn, so it comes down to individual relationships and their respective boundaries.

“Context is important,” says Kimberly Vered Shashoua, a licensed clinical social worker, as does the person receiving the compliment. “We perceive the same comments in different ways.”

What Celebrities Like Wilde, A$AP Rocky Tell Us About Us

When a celebrity’s actions evoke a strong reaction in an ordinary person, it’s usually more about that person and less about the celebrity.

“When people who aren’t celebrities have an emotional reaction to something that happens in a celebrity’s life, it probably means they have an emotional reaction to something that’s prominent in their life,” says Benjamin Goldman, licensed consultant for mental health.

Maybe someone has been scammed before. Perhaps this person’s significant other first expressed their admiration for someone else and then acted on those feelings. You might be thinking now that every expression of admiration inevitably turns into attraction and then into action.

Relationship boundaries are paramount for everyone involved when it comes to expressing desire or admiration for someone else. A couple may agree that outside of the relationship, romantic or sexual attention should be ignored or reported to the other person in the couple. Others may enjoy it when their partner gets attention in this way.

“It can feel sexy to be seen as sexy,” adds Goldman.

The gender dynamics at play

Would a man calling a woman “hot” get the same kind of backlash? Unlikely.

“Our society normalizes men expressing attraction but sees women expressing attraction as unusual,” says Vered Shashoua. “We often perceive the same action differently.”

A woman is considered “sexually aggressive” when she expresses this attraction. “Women who express desire are seen as ‘uncomfortable,’ ‘desperate,’ or ‘thirsty,'” adds Vered Shashoua. “People think that Wilde isn’t expressing a passing thought, but rather hitting on someone else’s partner.”

Her follow-up post addressed that — and reminded everyone that perceptions aren’t always reality.

If you want to call someone hot

• Set your limits. “There’s no right or wrong about what’s appropriate or inappropriate for couples when it comes to attention outside of their relationship,” says Goldman.
• Listen to your partner – and consider whether societal gender norms might influence behavior. “Sometimes partners perceive things differently,” says Vered Shashoua. “If you disagree on whether a compliment was appropriate, it can be helpful to discuss your boundaries and expectations with your partner and with the person making the comment.”
• Think before you speak. Are you interested in a sexual relationship with someone new? If you’re not in a monogamous relationship and neither are you and everyone agrees, it could be fair game. “If you’re in an open relationship or polyamorous, it’s okay for someone to propose to your partner,” says Vered Shashoua.

Overall, it comes down to respecting your partner. As Goldman says, “It’s not our job to read our partner’s mind, but you want to be aware of the things that are being communicated that pose problems and ask yourself, ‘Is there another way I can achieve this goal can achieve that I am? trying to reach?’

And maybe that means not calling someone “hot” — even if you think so.

More on boundaries and relationships

Good question:What does it mean if my partner looks at lewd pictures on social media?

Oops:That feeling of being the “second choice” relationship is common: when it becomes a problem

It happens:It’s time to break up with your significant other, but why can’t you?

Take into account:Many people take seductive selfies. Are the images encouraging or distressing?