Myths and facts about narcissists
There is no shortage of tips on how to identify a narcissist on TikTok.
Look for “passive aggression,” one influencer suggested.
A narcissist is someone who “creates emotional dependency,” said another.
She was “extremely charming and charismatic – but kind of dead in the eyes,” explained one woman as she applied her makeup.
Decades ago, the term narcissism was rarely used outside of a clinical setting or research study. Today, however, it has become a “generic label for a wide range of unpopular or frustrating behaviors,” said Virgil Zeigler-Hill, a professor of psychology at Oakland University in Rochester, Michigan.
Narcissism, or the need to feel special and unique, is a personality trait that exists on a continuum. Everyone has some level of it; Those on the higher spectrum are typically selfish and vain, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD
There are specific criteria for diagnosing NPD. These include, among other things, an unwavering need for admiration, increased self-esteem and a lack of empathy towards others. These traits don’t come and go – they persist and typically cause stress or interfere with relationships, work, or other areas of life.
How well do you understand narcissism? See if you recognize any of the following common myths.
MYTH: The most harmful narcissists have a disorder.
Those who do not meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder can still cause pain to others and themselves. NPD is rare: it is estimated to affect about 1 to 2 percent of adults in the United States.
But you don’t need a diagnosis to be considered a narcissist: Psychologists describe narcissists as people who exhibit above-average narcissistic behaviors or characteristics.
These can include a lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement, selfishness, manipulation, deception, blame and a drive to seek admiration, status and validation, said Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author of “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing From Narcissistic People.”
Narcissists are particularly harmful when they become vengeful or callous, or when they exploit the vulnerability of others. They also have great difficulty dealing with their emotions, Dr. Durvasula.
Being a narcissist “can often mean feeling slighted, bullied, treated unfairly, distrustful and disconnected from others – not a nice way to live,” she added.
MYTH: Narcissists are all the same.
Over the years, researchers have identified different types of narcissists.
agent narcissism This is what most people think of when they imagine a narcissist. These individuals are confident, assertive, demanding, and complacent and focused on status, power, and success.
Neurotic narcissism is characterized by a constant need for confirmation and a sensitivity to criticism and rejection. These people often experience significant shame, anxiety, emotional instability, insecurity, and self-doubt.
Antagonistic narcissism appears competitive, exploitative and hostile. These people are willing to belittle others in order to feel superior. They also lack empathy.
People are not limited to expressing just one form of narcissism. Instead, individuals can exhibit any combination of the three narcissistic traits—someone could be high in two traits but low in the third, or have other mixed profiles.
MYTH: All narcissistic people lack empathy.
People who are narcissistic are capable of empathy, but it is primarily self-serving. Narcissists can be empathetic when they need something, Dr. Durvasula.
Alternatively, she added, if they want to promote the perception of empathy, they could also express empathy. In other cases, they may understand the need for empathy but simply don’t want to elicit a compassionate response.
“While these are not deep empathy or compassionate empathy, they look and taste like empathy – a bit like Splenda and sugar,” Dr. Durvasula, adding that this “often confuses people who have had experiences with a narcissistic person that feel like empathy but disappear once the narcissistic person gets what they need.”
MYTH: Narcissists don’t realize they are narcissists.
Narcissists know they are narcissistic. Studies have shown that they have insight into the negative aspects of their personality.
They know that they appear arrogant, says Mitja Back, professor of psychology at the University of Münster and expert in narcissism research. But that’s not a problem for them, he added.
In one study, researchers asked participants to what extent they agreed with the statement: “I am a narcissist.” They were then asked to complete the 40-item Narcissistic Personality Inventory, one of the most commonly used assessments of narcissism. Those who described themselves as narcissists also did well on the test.
MYTH: A narcissist will never change.
Narcissism is not a static trait. In fact, it tends to decline slightly throughout adulthood, said Ulrich Orth, a professor of developmental psychology at the University of Bern in Switzerland. This may be partly because empathy has been shown to increase with age.
There is also research suggesting that encouraging people to care more about others or reflect on their values can reduce their narcissistic tendencies.
If narcissists really want to change, they can get help from a therapist.
People with agentic or antagonistic narcissistic tendencies often refuse to seek help, in part because they feel they don’t need it or because they may view treatment as an admission of weakness, Dr. Zeigler Hill.
“In contrast, individuals high in neurotic narcissism are more likely to seek treatment, typically for stress related to anxiety, depression and emotional instability,” he added.
MYTH: Narcissists did not receive enough love or appreciation from their parents during their childhood.
When it comes to raising children, empirical evidence suggests the opposite. The tendency of parents to view a child as special and more deserving than other children is linked to the development of narcissistic personality traits at a young age, Dr. Orth.
But parental influence may be determined primarily by genetics, Dr. Bake. In fact, research shows that the child of a narcissist is more likely to score high in this trait.
Researchers believe that other factors such as friendships, romantic relationships, and school and workplace experiences may play an even more important role than parenting in the development of narcissistic traits.
MYTH: Narcissists are only out for themselves.
Narcissistic people can behave cooperatively and helpfully, for example by volunteering or donating to charity.
“The difference is why and how they do it,” said Sara Konrath, director of the Interdisciplinary Program for Empathy and Altruism Research at Indiana University.
Their motivation is not purely altruistic, research shows. They are more interested in impressing others and receiving some kind of benefit or reward. And they help publicly rather than anonymously to ensure their efforts are visible.
MYTH: Narcissistic people are usually successful.
Narcissism alone does not lead to success, but it can offer advantages.
Someone with a healthy dose of narcissism tends to have “confidence, assertiveness and a strong motivation to lead,” Dr. Zeigler-Hill, and this often contributes to personal and professional success.
But narcissists, like everyone else, have different characteristics. If they have poor social skills or are disorganized, Dr. Back can be an obstacle to success.
Your success also depends on the expectations of those around you.
Because narcissistic leaders tend to be decisive, aggressive, and crave validation, they “can be very helpful when it comes to changing things in a very short period of time,” Dr. Back, adding that they’re less helpful “when it’s more important to secure things and keep them running as they are.”
MYTH: Narcissists think highly of themselves.
Narcissism is not synonymous with self-esteem. Research shows that some narcissists actually have fragile self-esteem.
“For example, a person with high levels of neurotic narcissism may only feel confident when others praise their appearance or achievements, but quickly become anxious or resentful when that validation fades, leaving their self-esteem constantly in flux,” Dr. Zeigler Hill.
But even those with grandiose tendencies often have an overly positive self-perception that relies on constant external validation, he added.
MYTH: Narcissistic people feel no remorse.
Narcissistic people know when they have done something “bad,” but that doesn’t stop them from doing it.
“Any guilt quickly turns into shame and then blame: ‘Yeah, okay, so I cheated on you – but what did you expect? You never pay attention to me,'” said Dr. Durvasula. “Instead of being vulnerable and accountable, narcissistic people attack when caught.”
If you feel like someone in your life is gaslighting, lying, and manipulating, and you’re not sure if that person is narcissistic, you may want to choose a quieter moment to try talking to them about your feelings. Dr. Durvasula calls this “going into the tiger’s cage.”
If they show real responsibility, “then there is an opportunity for repair and growth,” she added.
However, if your attempt to address the problem is met with more blame and anger, this person is more likely to have a narcissistic personality.
“You may not want to go back to that cage,” Dr. said. Durvasula.
